Monday, March 23, 2009

The whipping winds of change

alternately titled Debbie Downer is visiting my blog...

As I listen to the roaring winds slamming pellets of heavy rain against our steel siding I think of the heavy changes happening in our lives.

S is leaving. She leaves on Thursday. D sent me a message today telling me how hurt S was that I had not called her yet. That she felt that we had deserted her. I can make excuse after excuse, but words cannot express the sadness I have for her leaving. I dont know how to feel. I dont know why to feel. I think if I allow myself to avoid the immenent, it wont happen.

I was reminded today it won't change.

So a promise I made to D that I will call S tomorrow. I will tell her that no matter the distance and circumstance I will still love her.

And miss her dearly.

Avoidance comes from my desire to talk to her when she was here, but she didnt want to then. I sort of feel like I tried and she pushed away. I know I have to take the step, but I am just as sad as she that she hasn't reached out and told me she wants me to remain in her life. I have told her that much. She has not. I know D does not mean to make me feel guilty, but she does.

As I listen to the roaring winds slamming pellets of heavy rain I cannot wonder how many others will be ripped from our grasp before this is over.

5 deaths in 7 years.

5 people in our family that meant so much to us.

Now this. Its like another death.

In 7 years I lost two parents; Jim two grandparents; together we lost a very good friend.

Now I am losing S.

Jim doesn't care. He will side, like his mother, with L. They don't do gray. Its all black. Or all white.

As I listen to the roaring winds slamming pellets of heavy rain I cannot help but wonder who is next...

Every night as I drive home I peer into the window of our neighbor. Once a spry man in his early 60's, now withering in a hospital bed in his livingroom. He welcomed me into the neighborhood 6-1/2 years ago, soon we will say good bye to him as well.

I know this is the circle of life. We are only here on this earth moments compared to the time we will have in eternity. But the sadness and loss when it all comes at once is hard to bear and makes me wonder why we are put to such tests...

My grandmother is 92. If history dictates, it won't be long before she joins her husband and daughter. She remains the eldest of the last 4 of 19. I know it is reality. Losing grandpa last month made her mortality more real to me.

Yet we must move on.

I know there is something wrong inside me. I can feel it. Something has been plotting. The fevers, the pain, the sensations that were not there before. Numbness and tingling. Endless fatigue. Less control. Less strength. I know what I need to do, yet I do not do it. I don't want to hear about progression, or relapse. I know what will be said. I want things to be normal again. But they are not. Soon I will go, do not urge me before I am ready. I need time to let it settle in. Time to decide what I am willing to do. Time to think the worst and hope for the best.

I know things will get better.

They have to.

Soon you won't have to listen to the complaining. I promise soon there will be happiness again.

Today however, I shall listen to the roaring winds slamming pellets of heavy rain against the steel siding of my house reminding me of the things that must change, and the things I cannot control.
blog comments powered by Disqus