In three days I will get to see Bruce one last time. I still dont know if I will actually get to "see" him, and I still dont know if I really want to. But I do know I am ready to say good bye. Ready to let go. Ready to be less selfish, and ready to smile again and mean it.
In all reality, I still dont want him to be gone, but I am so happy to know where he is. He is back in the arms of the one he lived the end of his life for. My mom.
I have been thinking so much of all of them lately... mom, dad, Bruce...
Mom was so beautiful, and so loving, and so wonderful... and I wasted so much of my young life hating her for just that.
I dont know why as a child she and I never bonded. I will never know that answer. But I do know I am so grateful that the last 10 years were the best I could have asked for with her. I would never trade one moment of them. Daily phone calls... "surprise" pop ins... Sunday groceries and family dinners... Maybe she was too focused on what was not perfect in her life. I dont begrudge her that... not now.
Married to my father maybe before she was ready, I know they loved each other. But I also know that at times they hated each other... and they disliked each other... and they loved each other again. It all came back to the place they knew best. Each other. But it never lasted. They finally accepted that 17 years ago and separated for the last time.
But it never really ended that love. It was different. It was almost as though once all the bad went away, and they moved on, Dad with Char (still together after almost 17 years!), and mom with Bruce, they found a place that allowed them to remember the friendship that was there before the love.
Dad was by moms side, right next to Bruce, as she lay dying. How honorable is that? The two men she loved most in her life helping her cross over. It bonded dad and Bruce in a way that you normally wouldn't see in a typical "ex" factor.
Seven months after mom passed, both of my dad's walked me down the aisle. And as we turned that corner together to face my soon to be betrothed, the three of us held back sobs of rememberance. Remembering that just a few months before we were walking down that same aisle to see another... my moms funeral.
So now on Tuesday, my dad will be there again. This time to say good bye to Bruce. And I commend that. I know he would say he was doing it for my brother and I, but I know in his heart, he is doing it for himself too.
My dad said something to me one day last week... (not an exact quote) "Bruce knew how to live life to its fullest, and for that you cannot be sad that he is gone - he is exactly where he wants to be".
So once again, that is that... that is what I was pondering today as I was thinking about it being "almost time..."
Before I go... I just saw a commercial for the new Crayola Cutter, and the last child placing a "bridge" over a waterfall created on said cutter reminded me so much of Doodle, Days eldest son!
2 days ago