Sunday, August 24, 2008

The days I wish for the world to end

So I can be with you once again...

I just spent the afternoon with a friend, and we got to talking about you. About how most times friends dont get to know each others extended families - maybe their parents and siblings, but rarely their entire family. But because of you, many of my friends were blessed by your sweet memories, and by the knowledge of those you left behind. And they feel honored to have known you.

As do I.

I remember as a child I didn't respect your purpose. I didn't respect the person you were. It took us nearly 21 years to find out who each other was. We had good times before then, but the respect and friendship didn't come until much later. I thank God everyday that I had those last 10 years to make up for the first 20.

When we were talking about you today, something she said to me struck me. It will be 7 years since I said good bye to you that night. Its been nearly 7 years since you followed me with your eyes, trying to tell me you were tired and ready to go to Him. Its been nearly 7 years since I got the call only 2 hours after I left your side telling me that you woke up, took one last breath, and left us... for now.

And it was up to me to make those first phone calls. First to your loving husband Bruce, and to gram, who was having difficulty sleeping that night. She knew. As only a mother could know. When I called my brother I could hear in his voice the sadness of not spending your last night with you; how could he have known. And then I called my father. The man who loved you for more than 30 years, but didn't recognize it until it was too late.

Telling your "Tinkerbell" was the hardest thing for me to do. She had just turned 4 4 days earlier. We had birthday cake in your room, but you were out cold so we don't know if you knew we were there. If you knew that we met one of your "goals" on your list. She had no idea what it meant for someone to die. So we told her that we put your bed in a box for your body, but that your soul was in Heaven with Jesus. I don't think she really understood until several years later. But she will never forget you.

This week Lainie stayed at our house overnight. Mantha got down your "dog" Lucky and told Lainie Lucky's story. How when we found out the Cancer was back, you were in a room with a lady who had this stuffed dog that looked so real, that everyone had to look twice. The lady heard the doctors talking to us about your fate; as she left the hospital, she laid Lucky at the foot of your bed with a big pink feather boa around its neck and told you that Lucky would take care of you. And for the next two months, Lucky never left your sight.

And now she resides in Tinkerbell's room.

In six weeks it will be 7 years. I know I will never forget you. I know that many days I still cry for you. I know that each year that passes brings me one year closer to you. But it doesn't make the pain easier.

These are the days I wish for the world to end. So I can be with you once again.
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