Hi there. Its me. Over here. See me? Over here? In the corner. Sobbing lightly. Facing the wall. It may be hard to see me for that thing on my head. That humiliating white adornment that labels me. That cone shaped cap.
There I am, thats me.
Because when you get an "F" in parenting, you get to sit in the corner and wear a badge of dishonor.
I am failing miserably at rearing an 11 year old girl that is so much like me, yet so different. All of the insecurities are the same, but the drive and the desire is so different. If she doesn't want to do something she will choose one of the two options: 1. Do it, but do it with no regard, 2. Not do it at all.
Either option has the same reaction from Jim, who most often needs to be reminded that she is only 11. And similarly, it causes me to have to choose. Which one to I have to "talk to" about the choice. Her for making it? Him for getting mad at how she did or didn't complete the task.
Both options send me into a tailspin.
Both options leave me either in tears, or hoarse from "working it out" sometimes very loudly, and mostly pointless. Respectively sick to my stomach as I lose more control of the situation.
So as I sent my daughter off to school again this morning, I found myself even more deflated..
When you fail at parenting, you fail at everything, and it sucks everything from you.
I wish I had words of wisdom for this, but I think I live it on a very real level with my own 11 year old boy, for whom I want so much and wish I could make him understand that without me breaking down in sobs in front of him. I fear that sometimes when I do that, he silently panics because, not only does he think he's not 'getting it,' but now he has to worry about how I respond to his 'not getting it'.
ReplyDeleteThis is the hardest job I've ever had.
Man, it is hard!
ReplyDeleteThere is something about rearing a pre-teen...and then a teen...that is very difficult.
They have said that you are to give children their own space to make choices.....and then face their own consequence. To let them discover right from wrong.
WHO THE HELL ARE "THEY".
"THEY" are not watching the eye rolling, and hearing the "whatever" remarks. "THEY" are not up worried about the argument you just had, and "THEY" are not the ones feeling deflated.
It is you.
It is US.
So, there are no words of wisdom for you, no advice to give. You just have to have faith in yourself, and hold on!!!
I, too, will admit to having no words of wisdom whatsoever. But I do know this; you are not a failure at parenting. You are not a failure at anything, that I can see. You're just "in the middle" sometimes and I think that's the hardest place to be. At least you're not knocking two heads together--one older male one and one young female one--which is how I'd handle it (and not even consider it a failure). :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Pally; it's just so hard when you can't get on the horn to your Mom to complain about it and get her take on what you should do...that is something that we never outgrow the need for and, when it's not there, I think we tend to get a little too hard on ourselves. That's just what I think.
Gosh, can you imagine how long and wordy this would have been had I had some words of wisdom for you? BWAHAHAHA! Just tell me to shut up!
You are doing whatever you can, the best you can, and doing a fabulous job of it as far as I can see. You are NOT a failure.
ReplyDeleteParenting a pre-teen girl has got to be the hardest thing God ever invented for us to do, and thankfully He didn't ask me to do it.
Give yourself a break. You are a terrific person (just look at how you've reached out to me with such beautifully kind words...and you just 'met' me!) and this too shall pass. I promise.
Lori,
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I'm ahead of you, with my oldest being twelve. It's HORRIBLE. And Susannah is by far my easiest child. Can't wait til Abby and Eliza's turns come up. Hang in there, Mama.
~Tammy
In the car during our endless Turkey Day drive, the kids were being kid-like and the (big) Kid yelled, "why can't you act like adults?" I was irritated by that but also amused. Not twenty minutes later I had my own temper tantrum and in the trapped space of the car and the traffic jam said some awful things I immediately regretted.
ReplyDeleteSpent the next 20 minutes figuring either the Supernanny or worse should come and take me away.
I tell this to you not because their is some pleasant happy ending, but just so that you know you are not alone.
Oh MAN do I ever feel your pain on this one. Right this very second I'm feeling that same "failing parent" kind of nagging nausia. I hate to feel this way.
ReplyDeleteI remember when they were babies, thinking it would all be so lovely.
Sorry you're in it right now, but do take some comfort in knowing this too shall pass. It really shall. Promise.
My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteSomething someone reminded me of when I had a hard time with a parenting issue, not sure if it will help you. If not totally disregard the thought.
Kids have thier own path too. Yes they are ours, however, they may have some lessons to learn that we can not control. They also have a heavenly father who guides them.
You have not failed, it is all a work in progress.
Praying for your peace.
Hang in there. I have an 11 year old girl too. I hear ya sister!
ReplyDeleteSweetie, I'm thinking of you. Unfortunately, I don't have children yet, so I have no incite to really offer you. On that note, I will say that beating yourself up is not the answer. Don't ever call your self a failure. I like what Elaine said about everything being a work in progress, she is 100% correct!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog via lifeafter and felt a need to respond b/c your words revived the feelings of despair I went thru 42 years ago with my son. I remember very clearly the frustration, tears, battles, desperation. One thing I learned: pick your battles. One thing I regret: making much ado over the small things. Someone once told me "If nobody's hurt, and 5 years from now it won't matter, let it go." In most cases I found that to be true and "tried", not always successfully, to follow that. But don't let yourself believe you are a failure; you are a good Mom and someday your child will grow up and thank you. Mine did, and we went thru some really rough times before he grew up. But, oh, the glory, when he uttered those words!
ReplyDeleteSue in WI