Summer 1984 - you will find I am willing to post embarrassing pictures of myself when it comes to the memory of my mother. The shroud of vanity is lifted in her honor.
Today was a quiet day for you.
Not so much for Gram and I. The culimination of the 4 months prior were wearing on both of us. Things were said that have since been forgiven, but at the time were necessary for both of us.
She was losing her child - something a parent should never have to do.
I was losing my mother - something I was only allowed to have for 30 short years.
I wanted more.
I wanted you with me at my wedding.
I wanted you to hold my hand as I gave birth for the third time - because that is what you did.
I wanted you to know your grandchildren.
I wanted you to grow old - not die at 54.
I became very protective of my daughter role, and felt it necessary to remind people that their loss was important, but that they would never understand the magnitude of my loss. None of them had lost their mother.
I still protect that. It is sacred to me.
I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes after reading this. I lost my dad when I was a little girl. I have never been able to put into words what you said here:
ReplyDelete"I became very protective of my daughter role, and felt it necessary to remind people that their loss was important, but that they would never understand the magnitude of my loss. None of them had lost their mother."
Because I was a child when my dad died everyone around me minimized my pain. In fact I was never allowed to talk about my dad - ever (but that is another story).
I did Beth Moore's Esther study last year. It has a video and a workbook. One of her video segments talked about the fact that Esther was orphaned. She then went on to talk about having friends bury a child and how sad that was but that she'd come to realize that in her opinion it is much more difficult and much sadder for a child to lose a parent.
In my opinion no matter how old you are the parent/child role never changes - even though the type of relationship you share does. You naturally always look to your parents for guidance and encouragement. As an adult it is still a huge loss not to have that.
Thank you for re-posting and for sharing this and being vulnerable. It is encouraging to me.
I'm so sorry your mom died when both of you were so young. she was just in her prime of life
ReplyDeleteI thinkit is very hard when we lose our moms; they are our best cheerleaders, the ones who pretty much love us (for the most part) unconditionally. the ones we run to in happiness and sadness. I can understand how hard it must have been to lose her so young :(
betty
Thank you ladies! It has been hard - As you can see I have to relive the memories each year because they validate why I still miss her so much! No validation is necessary, but when you live the loss and feel it every day for this long people get tired of hearing it - I believe because they dont understand it.
ReplyDeleteMany conversations of late in my family have focused on my grandmothers advancing age and how hard it is for my aunts to fathom that loss. With me, right there in the room. Something that I often forget I have already suffered.
To them it was their sister.
To me it was my mother.
Two different emotions.
Still a ton of love, but two different emotions.
Thanks for your support! :)
I am soo sorry that you lost your Mom at such a young age for both of you. My husband lost his Mom almost three years ago. I just can't even imagine.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me so sad.
We are all supposed to grow way way old!
I don't even know what to say....it's just sad.
T