One of my best friends, Dayna, has three children with PIDD. They are always on virus watch, they do most things healthy kids do, but they are not done without extra thought and many precautions. All three Bugs take various medications multiple times a day. In addition, Doodle Bug suffers from dibilitating arthritis.
So when I think of my own personal health issues, I think of these guys first and try to remind myself that I have no right to complain.
But today, on day 3 of a migrane, and barely able to walk because of two recent falls, my knees and lower back hurt so bad that I am forced to take steps literally one at a time, I think about myself above anyone else.
This past fall, after a year of MRI's, Xrays and CT scans, and after a year of 2 hour sessions 2-3 times a week with a physical therapist I was finally diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder. I have Fibromyalgia and Arthritis in my knees, hips and shoulders. And I have constant head and neck aches, and frequent migranes.
I live in constant pain.
My muscles hurt to the touch. When my kids or animals climb into my lap and I go through the roof. I lay or sit in one spot for more then a few moments and the points of contact hurt. I sit in one position, or lay in bed in one position for more then a few minutes at a time and my whole body stiffens and aches. I get up from a seated position and walk like I am 80 years old because my knees and hips are locked.
The obvious answer is lose weight and excercise more. Its an issue I have grappled with for a long time. I have recently taken to making some changes. We got a puppy for Christmas. My favorite activity has always been to go for long walks. Now I take him on the mile loop around our neighborhood and I thoroughly enjoy it. But I am left barely able to walk for days after.
So now what? I cant sit. I cant lay down. I cant walk. I have a migrane for days on end. How do I break this endless cycle? Do I go back on medications that add other issues that I cannot stand to deal with so that I can break the cycles of pain? Do I continue to push myself knowing that the ramifications are hard to recover from? How long can I financially afford to spend so much time in PT?
I have medications that I dont like to mention because I dont want people to think I am a narcotic taking, addicted, excuse maker. I dont take those meds unless I am absolutely desperate. Still, knowing that I have them in my possession makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I could take the easy way out, and rely on meds. But I dont want to. I dont like feeling like I have no control. That is why they sit in the bottles. And yet, I am still not in control.
So now what do I do? As I type this my shoulders are starting to hurt. My arms are burning. My heels feel like the skin is being torn off (because they are resting on the bed), and my hips feel like someone is pulling them out of their sockets.
And I hate it. And I want to cry.
I see other people enjoying life to its fullest. And I want to be like them. I want to set outrageous goals for myself and be able to do them. I want my "excuses" to be because I was lazy, not because I was in too much pain. I want the word "pain" to be something I have after I pushed too hard, not because I stood up. I want to put doctors, and medications an physical therapy in my past and take long walks and want to go further.
I want to be a mom that enjoys playing with her kids because it doesn't hurt.
I want to be a wife that looks forward to sharing in her husbands interests because it doesn't hurt.
I want to not feel like I am always making excuses for why I can't do something.
I want to live life to its fullest, not watch it fly by me.
So the pattern continues. I go to Physical Therapy. I take STS (Sympathetic Nerve Shock Therapy)and I wait. Wait to see if it will ever get better. And I will continue to take the dog for small walks and hope that one day I can make them longer.
this is my humble opinion. my 2 cents. i will be honest and may be insulting in the process, but i'll go ahead just the same:
ReplyDeletethe answer might be simpler than you think. you are caught in a vicious cycle. in order to progress you have to brake the cycle. the only chance you have right now is to take your medication. take it regularly in the dose recommended by your doctors. with the pain you are enduring you can't progress.
don't be ashamed or please don't feel weak when taking them. just take them for christ's sake. with this kind of pain you don't have a chance to improve. you can only get better when you move and exercise.
with less pain start on two goals: lose weight (top priority) and exercise as much as you can (also top priority).
this is extremely important, because your joints deteriorate if you don't exercise. join your local gym, join weight watchers, talk to people close to you, set goals, do it on a daily basis, in small doses that you slowly increase - go for it! ultimately you will feel better and you will be able to cut down on the medication.
your body is a wonder. it is designed to be healthy and fit. it is designed to heal. you have reached a point where it can't deal with the problems anymore. help your body recover by taking the proper medication and kick start the healing process. i guarantee you will feel better within 6 months.
go for it, you can do it!
six years ago i had arthritis in my legs and i could not climb the stairs except on all fours. i couldn't walk for more than 5 minutes without pain. all my symptoms have gone and I go to the gym every day. a achieved this only by exercising. i started small but i kept doing it and now i am fitter than i was 20 years ago.
again: you can do it, just start right after you read this: 1. take medication 2. join a gym 3. start losing weight 4. talk to your friends about your goals and ask them to help you achieve them by kicking your arse.
cheers 1pic
I would say I have to kind of agree on the medications...for now...take what you have to, to make the pain less, and then use the "feeling better" to get out, get the exercise, keep moving and lose the weight (in a healthy way, if I hear of you doing the 900 calorie or less a day diet again I'm going to come and kick your tuckus!!). Part of the reason I run is due to the fact that I look at family history and the arthritis and problems in it, and figure hey, I've got to do something now, before I get to the points where pain could maybe take over. Here's hoping you start feeling better soon. Maybe you need a goal of some sort to start moving toward...there is a Breast Cancer Marathon (there is a half too and the course is open long enough to walk it!!) in Jacksonville...I wanted to do it this year (innagural year) but it's not going to happen unfortunately, but hey, gives you a year, you could train for 13.1 (or even 26.2!!)
ReplyDelete1pic, I am so glad you chimed in. I needed you to. I needed to hear it from someone who has struggled with meds, and struggled with pain, and struggled with the ramifications of both.
ReplyDeleteIsnt it funny I was giving you advice on getting off meds a few weeks ago, and now you are giving me advice on how to get back on them. I am so glad we found each other so we could support things we both live daily.
Thanks for taking time out from your "soap" to lend me a hand! And in no way were you harsh or insulting. If I didnt think it needed to be said I wouldnt have posted it!
Dani, so is that a challenge/invitation? Jim and I were talking about the 3 Day in Chicago (Susan G). A friend of mine does it. But it takes a lot of fundraising... read: each person needs to raise $3.5K to be in the walk. Y'ouch. Tell me more about Jacksonville. Maybe we can aspire to 2009? As for the 900cal diet, remember this... I had a bad influence in my life back then. I have a different sort of bad influence, aka my husband, because he will not change his eating habits, so it will be tough, but I am no wimp right? Hell, I have lived in pain for how many years?
Thanks guys!
Oh, Lori, this is so hard to read. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to email you privately, but I don't see a place where you posted it. Would you stop by and email me (see my "about me" section) so I can reply with a story and a suggestion?
Lori! I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I cannot relate on a personal level, but through my work I know of many, many, people just like you and am familiar with the recommendations. It is just as 1pic said - you cannot progress without your meds if at least for the short-term. Take them, take what you can tolerate and then start slow with adding activity. Maybe this could allow you to function at a level that will improve your physical and mental well-being. Hugs, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI have placed a call to my doctor to get something less symptomatic to take starting now. I thought I was being brave to dump the meds, but the more I think about it I know you are all right. Besides, I hate the pain I am in right now. Its getting so very very old.
ReplyDeleteI stand my ground on not taking what I have in possession right now because I dont want to deal with the ramifications of them. I swore I wasnt going to post it here, but suffice it to say I have an addictive personality, and what I have been given for pain is not what I want to depend on.
Thank you all for your support. I didnt want this to turn into a pity party. I was just so very frustrated. Its embarrassing to know that the obvious is what I should have been doing all along.